Girls
by Sukuru
Summary: Updated! Uhura decides she knows a way to get a little payback...on every man on the ship!
1. Uhura

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. And neither does Uhura.  
  
~~  
  
Nyota Uhura woke up on Monday with a headache and a scowl.  
  
She liked to think she had a headache because she'd been at a really great party the previous night and had had loads of drinks and been chatted up by loads and loads of men, and had turned them all down in a sudden burst of drunk-enraged Feminism.  
  
She hadn't.  
  
She'd been hit on the head with a girder by Chekov, as he, Sulu and Riley attempted to fix the minor problems on the Bridge after the latest in a long line of Kilngon attacks, under the supervision of Spock.  
  
"Well," She climbed out of bed and immediately toppled over several mounds of magazines and hit the wardrobe, "what a perfect start to the week in general. Severe headache, embarrassment, boredom, general skirt-wearing and being eyed up by Ensign who don't know the meaning of the word 'Love' because they are fresh out of the Academy. Phooey."  
  
To make matters worse, whilst she was dressing she ripped four of her tights, ruined her lipstick and broke a nail.  
  
"Stupid life, stupid ship, stupid people on the ship, except me and Chapel and Rand, stupid duties, stupid. . .everything, basically. Everything is stupid except us three girls." She muttered as she walked down the corridor towards the Turbo Lift.  
  
"I don't think that's a wery fair judgement." Said a reproving Russian- accented voice behind her.  
  
"Yes, well YOU didn't get hit over the head yesterday with a girder, did you?" She asked sarcastically, stepping into the Turbo Lift and holding the doors open for Pavel, "and you're not female."  
  
"I don't see vhat that's got to do vith anythink."  
  
"You're not a girl; I'm fed up with life; I'm going to kill someone by the end of the day." Uhura summarized her mood for him. He eyed her critically and shuffled a little to the left.  
  
"Stay avay from me then."  
  
~~  
  
Matters didn't improve on the Bridge either. Kirk was in a bad mood, McCoy was absent, so there was no way of lifting him out of it, Spock was just. . .Spock, Sulu was angry at the world because the Replicators had been purged of any Japanese dishes as a joke by Joey, Rand was in a mood at Kirk because he was in a mood in general. . .  
  
Uhura sighed and sat at her station, blinking at the marmalade stains on the board.  
  
"Who was on night duty on my station?" She asked, peering around the Bridge suspiciously.  
  
"Mr. DeSalle." Chekov replied, sitting at his station, "but it vas Joey who dropped the jam all over it."  
  
"Marmalade." Uhura corrected him.  
  
"Vhatewer. It vas made in Russia, vhatewer it vas."  
  
She glared at his back, wondering if a hairpin fired by an elastic band would be enough to kill him. Or hurt him. Or at least give him a scratch. An itch. Something.  
  
"Captain," Spock suddenly looked up from his station, "I'm picking up a planet dead ahead that is not supposed to be there."  
  
"Really. Fascinating." Kirk muttered without even looking up, "Sulu, drop us into orbit."  
  
"We'll have to turn around then." Sulu huffed. Kirk sat up.  
  
"Why?" He asked, picking at his nails.  
  
"Because we're too close. If we were to go into orbit this close at this speed we'd all burn up and I'd be a lot happier." The Helmsman snapped, causing most people on the Bridge to jump.  
  
Kirk, however, merely raised his eyebrows and said, "fine. Turn us around then come back and put us into orbit."  
  
Uhura readied her fingers on her panel, knowing what was coming next.  
  
"Miss. Uhura, open hailing frequencies."  
  
"Channels are open, sir." She reported barely a second after he'd ordered. He nodded and made his usual boring speech, then got her to close the Channel and sat back in his chair.  
  
"I'm going to go make some coffee." Rand decided, "anyone want some?"  
  
"Yes." Uhura muttered as the young woman passed her to go into the Turbo Lift, "all coffee, no water."  
  
"Why no water?" Rand asked, pausing and lowering her voice.  
  
"Because I'm going to pour it over Joey's head in the Rec Room at Lunch." Uhura replied, picking at the Marmalade and sighing as she broke another nail, "stupid boys." 


	2. Chapel

Disclaimer: I don't actually know who owns Star Trek.  
  
~~  
  
Chapel yawned and leant back in her chair, watching McCoy tell off Ensign something-or-other about the dangers of. . .something-or-other.  
  
She looked back at the Word Document she'd been writing. Scrappy. Bad language use. Use of the word "And" three times in the same sentence.  
  
"Meh," She said to the empty room at large, "it's not as if he reads these anyway."  
  
"Who reads what anyway?" Riley asked, coming into the room and looking over her shoulder at the Report, "you mean that? And McCoy? And that. . ."  
  
She switched off then, and only occasionally nodded throughout his entire theory, thinking how she liked him much better when he was under the effects of the Psi 2000 virus. At least then, he actually shut up.  
  
". . .and so on and so on. How you been?"  
  
Chapel jerked out of her revere at the question, "uh. . .bored. But fine. Finely bored. You?"  
  
"Can't complain. Did you hear Chekov dropped that girder on Uhura's head? Boy, was she mad!"  
  
"Yeah, I heard. She had concussion, apparently. Is she okay?"  
  
"I dunno. You're the nurse, aren't you?" Riley jumped to his feet, managing to step on hers without noticing, "well . . .I'm off. I'm on night-duty in Engineering. I gotta get some sleep or I'll. . .die, probably. See ya."  
  
"Bye-bye." Chapel muttered without looking up from her sore foot.  
  
As soon as Riley left he was replaced by a fuming McCoy.  
  
"How stupid can ya get?" He asked, "I mean, sticking your finger in an electrical socket? You deserve to be shocked! The he goes on and on about safety, and the friggin' switch had a "Do Not Touch Me" thingy written above it! I mean, for Gods' sake!"  
  
"Yes doctor." Chapel replied, wriggling her toes, thinking her day just couldn't get any worse.  
  
"Oh, and there's this meeting being held tonight so you're gonna hafta look after the shop," McCoy added, "night-duty. Ten till half past three. You can handle that, can't you?"  
  
"Yes doctor," Chapel replied, dead-pan, thinking 'oh look. M day just got worse.' 


	3. Rand

Disclaimer: Gene owns Star Trek. I own series one and two on Video.  
  
~~  
  
Rand left the Bridge with orders for three cups of coffee and one cup of powder.  
  
She sauntered down the corridor, humming a tune she'd long since forgotten between her teeth, and abruptly ran into Scotty, who'd been waling quite quickly the other way with a tray of. . .spare parts, she assumed.  
  
Whatever they were, they were heavy.  
  
"OUCHIES!" She squeaked, hopping from one foot to another, biting the insides of her cheeks, "owwwwwwww! Watch where you're going!"  
  
"I don't mean to rub it in, lass, but I think you should be the one watching where you're going." Scotty muttered, bending down and picking up the tray, "it takes two to tango."  
  
"Yeah," Rand said under her breath, "but it only takes one to step on the others foot. . ."  
  
~~  
  
She arrived in the Mess and dived into the Kitchens a little haphazardly, wanting to just get out and stay out of everyone's way.  
  
"Hi, Rand," The Chef greeted her, "need some coffee?"  
  
"Yes, please." Rand blushed at her big secret: She didn't actually make the coffee. Chef did, "I need three cups of Coffee and one cup of Coffee powder."  
  
"Coffee powder?"  
  
"Long story."  
  
"I see." The Chef fetched two big pots and started to brew the Nescafe, "revenge on someone I take it?"  
  
"None of your business!" Rand squeaked, wondering why boys had to be so damn. . .nosy.  
  
"Alright, alright, no need to get all stroppy."  
  
"I'M NOT GETTING STROPPY!!" Rand screamed, getting stroppy, "how dare you even accuse me of-"  
  
"If you don't shut up, I'm not making the coffee for you."  
  
"Now whose acting stroppy - hey, wait, where you going?"  
  
Too late. She was alone in the Kitchen with two pots, some coffee powder and some water.  
  
"Uh oh." She whispered. 


	4. The Plan

Disclaimer: FEMINISM! Oh, yeah, and something about Star Trek. . . .  
  
~~  
  
Review Replies:  
  
Sunny-Historian: Hehehe. . . you really can't tell what boys are like behind the scenes. . .  
  
Kaz: My disclaimers? What're disclaimers? Hmm. . . .?  
  
~~  
  
Girls: Part Four  
  
"Lt. Uhura to Yeoman Rand and Nurse Chapel," Uhura bent low over her console to avoid being seen, "guys, where are you?"  
  
A very tearful Rand looked up from the table she'd been sobbing on and replied, "I'm in hell."  
  
A very wound-up Chapel looked up from her duty station in Sickbay and replied, "I'm on night-shift as well as day-shift! There has to be a rule against this somewhere!"  
  
Uhura shook her head and sighed. Look what the men were doing to the women of the Enterprise. It just wasn't right.  
  
"Listen guys," She announced quietly, watching Chekov leave the Bridge with a curious glance in her direction, "I have a plan. It's really good. Seriously."  
  
"It's not going to involve you bringing your lute-thingy onto the Bridge and playing six hours of Elvis' best hits, is it?" Rand asked dolefully, picking at her false nails.  
  
"No. It involves . . .a coffee machine, borrowing some 'equipment' from Sulu, without him knowing of course, a high-necked top, a low skirt and some laughing gas."  
  
"Uh-oh." Was Chapel's reaction, "look, Uhura, sweety, I know you mean well, but the last time you tried to borrow some equipment from Sulu he ripped your dress away with his fencing foil and wouldn't lend you any sheets to get back to your quarters with. . ."  
  
"I know," Uhura ground out, "that's one of the reasons I'm not going to ask him this time. Rand is."  
  
"Say what?" Rand cried, causing several people to stare at her. She hunched over her communicator and shook her head, "Uhura, no, please. He already thinks I'm weird enough because I think that Gertrude* is a boy, not a girl- "  
  
"If you ask me he's weird thinking plants have personalities. Just because that dumb Venus flytrap tried to eat me after I called him a stuck up bas-"  
  
"Lieutenant?" Kirk broke her rant, "I really need the ships communications to alert the crew we're being fired upon. Could you just. . ." He waved his hand, ". . .please?"  
  
"Yeeeees sir." She sang, turning back to the Comm, "okay, girls, meet me tomorrow in the Mess at lunch. Hehehehe. . . ."  
  
*Gertrude is Sulu's prize plant in 'The Man trap'. He and Rand had the argument that:  
  
Sulu thought Gertrude is a girl because all inanimate objects are female.  
  
Rand thought Gertrude was a boy because us girls know these things.  
  
Gertrude didn't have any thoughts on the subject due to budget cuts. 


	5. The even better Plan

Girls: Part Five  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Sunny-Historian: Okay. Here's more.  
  
Kaz: The rest of the story. . . is in my head. It's doomed, basically.  
  
~~  
  
Mess Hall, lunch time. The time when Men get together to talk about. . .well, whatever they talk about. The time when tribbles get jammed in the Replicator. The time when the Replicators give up and drown everyone in Apple Juice.  
  
The time when scheming Women get together and decide to teach the Men a lesson.  
  
Once and for all.  
  
Uhura was five minutes earlier than Chapel and Rand. It was her off duty time, therefore she would wear off-duty clothes.  
  
But she wasn't wearing HER off-duty clothes.  
  
She'd borrowed a long sleeved shirt from Ensign Chenna, who insisted she'd help out with the 'Mission' in anyway she could, and a long black skirt from Ensign Hoku, who'd also sworn to secrecy.  
  
And the young Comm officer got a lot of strange looks from the males gathered in the hall.  
  
"Hi, sorry I'm late, Uhura, but. . .what are you wearing?" Chapel sat down opposite her, in her usual uniform, her hair slightly messed up, "never mind. Sorry I'm late, but Riley wanted me to help him with something in the turbo lift shaft, and you know how cramped and horrible it is up there."  
  
"S'alright. Rand isn't here yet. She's trying to figure out which you put in first: Coffee or hot water."  
  
"Hot water." Chapel replied. She cast a glance around the hall, then looked back at her fellow "comrade". "Uhura, I hate to ask, but why?"  
  
"It's a statement."  
  
"A statement."  
  
"Yes. A statement to say, 'I'm not a airhead bimbo who cannot even read Dr. Seuss, I am an intelligent woman who has just finished Jane Eyre'."  
  
"Jane who?" Chapel asked, "whose Dr. Seuss?"  
  
"Alright, so I'm living in the past a little. I stayed up all last night reading books from the 20th and 21st century. Girls there actually worse trousers whilst on duty on boats and airplanes."  
  
"They did? Who would want that?"  
  
"Me." Uhura said simply, "me. Me. Me."  
  
"Us." Chapel corrected her, "there's three of us."  
  
"Five." Uhura over-corrected, "Ensigns Chenna and Hoku are helping too."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Suddenly, a blonde whirl-wind landed on the seat next to Chapel, "I HATE COFFEE MAKERS! I HATE LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIP AND IT'S CAPTAIN!"  
  
Uhura made a vague guess that Rand had just sat down, and she sighed.  
  
"Don't say that," She reproved, "it might give away what we're doing."  
  
"What, more than your clothes?" Rand asked, slamming her Padd down onto the table, "fat chance."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment," Uhura said stiffly, "anyway."  
  
"Yes, about this plan of yours-"  
  
"Plans."  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"I have three or four plans. Aimed at different people."  
  
"Oh. Who?"  
  
"Kirk. Chekov. Riley. Sulu. Possibly McCoy."  
  
"Not Spock?" Chapel checked, narrowing her eyes.  
  
"No. Not Spock. Spock doesn't notice the difference between male and female when he's talking to us."  
  
"Alrighty then. What're we doing here today, then?"  
  
"Well. Depends on who you want to pay-back first."  
  
"Hmm. . .wait, why are we punishing Chekov?"  
  
"He hit me on the head with a girder. So did Riley."  
  
"Yeah, and Riley keeps asking me to help him with things. And I get hurt. Look at my hair." Chapel moaned. Uhura shushed her as she spotted Riley at an opposite table.  
  
"Chef," Rand said suddenly, "we have to punish Chef too."  
  
"Seven people? Wow. Okay. Who're we playing a trick on first then? Hey, wait a sec. . .I have an idea! Let's play a trick on every single man on the ship first!"  
  
"How do we do that?"  
  
"You know the men have a coffee machine in their club?"  
  
"Their what?" Chapel looked blank.  
  
"THEY HAVE A COFFEE MACHINE????" Rand seethed.  
  
"Their club. There's a Rec. Room with a locked door at the end of this corridor. That's the men's club. And they've only just had the coffee machine put in. Kirk was going to tell you about it this morning," Uhura added to Rand, "so that YOU would fill it up everyday. And here's what I' getting at."  
  
"Getting at what? Uhura, you're being annoying again."  
  
"Don't fill it with coffee beans."  
  
"What do I fill it with then?"  
  
"Manure. Which you're going to 'borrow' from Lt. Sulu's aeroponics bay."  
  
Rand thought for a moment, then her face lit up and she grinned evilly.  
  
"I can do that."  
  
"Good." Uhura stood up, "I'm off to the gym now. Meet back here tomorrow to discuss how the plan went. Rand, call me if you have any problems."  
  
~~ 


End file.
